Machete

I’m pretty sure the friend that floated the notion of wiling away a Monday watching Star Wars at Portland Center Stage prior to the release of Episode VII quit her job the week before just to be available for the endeavor.  

Allow me to introduce my Little Buddy.

That’s just a wild guess on my part, though.

Two things that I do know for sure, however:

A) I had previously committed to myself not to see the newest release until after the hubbub died down.  One of the perks of persistent unemployment is movie matinees.  With no crowds to irritate our curmudgeonly hero.

And;

B) I didn’t previously fully understand Machete Order aside from the random off-the-cuff cultural reference.

So, let’s tackle that second point first, just to make the info available to any of my friends and/or readers who may be easily pigeon-holed into the cultural Dark Side.  Machete Order is supposedly the optimal viewing order for the first two trilogies.  The overwhelming bonus would be that it eliminates ep1, effectively reducing the loathsome Jar Jar Binks to about 5 minutes of screen time and about 6 lines of dialogue.

Need more?

The viewing order starts with epIV and V, introducing the core characters and establishing the major plot points.

Then we jump back to epII and III, skipping epI altogether and treating the other two entries in the second trilogy as kind of a mythology-origin story flashback to give you background on the whole Vader/Luke/Leia evolution.

Finish up with the almost universal favorite – well, universal in the context of planet Earth, anyway – epVI and I was up to speed and refreshed on the story lines.

Watching at PCS was delightful because they were spaced out well enough that I had about 45 minutes between shows so I could stretch my legs.  That, of course being a euphemism for “get a beer” between shows.  First film was at 9am and thanks to my wonderfully enabling LB, I was having a beer between shows at 11:15 in the morning.

Little Buddy had qualified the invite with the disclaimer that she might skip the reviled-albeit-reduced prequels and maybe – maybe – return for the finale.

She did.

Then she didn’t.

But, look at me powering through alone until the bitter end.  Also, quite literally having nothing else to do but fritter away my Monday with people who probably haven’t had sex this century.

If ever.

Ok, that was an old school pejorative stereotype.  Portland geeks are hawt.  So I got to watch movies in a room full of the elusive hot nerd types.

So, that’s Machete.  I’m a fan.  I don’t have children or cable, so I feel I could realistically live out my remaining days never coming into contact with ep1 again.

Now, onto the grumpy, old man factor…

Blockbuster movie releases – much like brunch in Portland – is a young person’s game.  That said, after my machete romance, I was primed to reconsider my crowd avoidance social tactics and wade into the crowds for early release viewing.

Naturally, my inner turmoil prompted me to do nothing.

But, I did think about going to a midnight show Thursday night/Friday morning.  My justification being that downtown Portland is certainly not going to draw the crowds found in the sub-urban wastelands bordering it.  Still, I chose to employ the “wait and see” method.  So, today I decided to jump onto my Regal app and see what the what actually was.

Turns out, shows started at 7 pm on Thursday.  So much for Friday releases.  I looked at shows for today – yesterday now – and found that the shows were all sold out until Saturday.

Fuuuuuuck!

Oh well.  It’s a sign.

A sign that I should check the 3D showings, which I normally eschew.  I think too many movies are unnecessarily made in a 3D format, but this is a reasonable exception.

Portland:  where young people come to retire…

None of those cunts (used strictly in the UK slang meaning) were gonna drop an extra $3 for a 3D ticket, it seems.  I had no difficulty procuring a seat for a 9 pm showing on the 3D screen for The Force Awakens.

So I fucking went.

A few takeaways from tonight’s experience:

BTW:  SPIOLER BELOW!!!

Seriously.  Don’t bitch at me if your idle curiosity gets the best of you and my humble blog *ruins* the show for you…

A) Hot gay nerds!  I actually struck up a conversation in line with the HGN standing behind me.  He was super nice and fun to talk to.  Also, the aforementioned HOT.  So, we sat together.  Right by another single HGN.  This poor guy…so much more G and N in his mind than H, which he totally was, that he didn’t think to even silence his phone…which promptly went off during the movie.  Twice.  Probably another of his nerd friends wanting to talk TFA reviews from lands eastward.  Poor bastard.

B) Someone BIG dies.  Oh shut up.  It’s not like I told you anything surprising…it’s prudent Hollywood story craft.  To be clear, when I say someone BIG, I’m not talking Jabba size.  I’m talking a key player.

Besides, they can always bring him back. Yeah….

C) I’m a nerd.  A gay nerd.  Well past my reasonable expectation of a “hot” designation’s expiration date, but I’m appreciating the guy candy that comes with the evolution of the HGN designation.

D) I need a fucking job.  I have way too much time on my hands.  When going to the movies for an entire day is a better use of my time than anything else…it’s time to go back to work.

I literally have some sort of trigger pulling paralysis.

I plan things.

I create routines.

Then, I procrastinate.

And I can!

I literally have all day to look for jobs.

Or go to the gym.

Or write.

So, why not ramp up to my one task for any given day with a nice slow start?  A pot of coffee with the Silver Fox or a few hours of Netflix?

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, maybe it’s another blog post, but what usually goes wrong is one of my awesome friends wanting to treat me to a happy hour or grab some grub after they get off work.

It’s not a terrible life, don’t get me wrong…

Is this a good time to mention that this is my first blog post created entirely on my iPhone?  I left the movies and felt restlessly compelled to honor a commitment to a high school friend and get a blog out.  So I stopped for a beer at one of my favorite, cheap watering holes.

This one’s for you, KPG!

Machete

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