Kiss My Ass-trology

Good news, everyone!

Mercury’s current retrograde period ends tomorrow, May 22nd.
In other news – which, admittedly might be met with less enthusiasm by some – I seem to have survived the period, despite the best efforts of my cat, Myrtle.

A sample of her handiwork:


The human manifestation:


That’s why I should always sleep with a light on.  To back up, Myrtle sometimes sleeps on the bed with me.  Other times, perched on her cat tree.  To keep her life spicy, yet others on the couch.

She’s not a creature of habit.

Although, about the only time she doesn’t try to critique my bathroom performance are my very early morning trips to the loo, during which she is typically quite happy to remain asleep wherever she’s chosen to hang her hat that night.

Except last week, when she decided to jump off the bed and zipper through my legs as I zombie walked to the bathroom.

Just imagine how that turned out.

I recall the fleeting realization that my feet and shoulders were parallel.  Also thinking I was not laying down.

All this happened in the split-second before my forehead crunched onto my jute hallway runner, the start of a slow motion downward roll across my face until my body formed a pyramid on the floor.  A pyramid whose base was my nose and shins.

Ah, the dignity of being ass-up in your own hallway with nothing but a cat bent on world domination for company.

Actually, it would have been more awkward – if you can believe it could be – had company been there.

Gravity rolled me off of my face and onto my back as I asked, “Who would fucking feed you?” as I looked up at the corner of the hallway table that my head had narrowly missed.

I realized that I wasn’t paralyzed moments after I realized there was a Mississippi River sized river of blood flowing down my face and reflexively jumped up to get a towel.

More good news!

In the week and a half since that night, Mercury and Myrtle have been giving me a break.  I might even say that things have been…looking up?

The only other weirdness that’s manifested was a dream I had about that other Chris that began dating The Broken Poet last month.  I dreamt that he showed up unannounced at my job – which was Target in my dream – to apologize for his behavior.

Fairly impressive since he lives 1100 miles away.

But, despite the fact that my dream seemed to highlight two frustrating events from my last year – my interview process with Target and the whole Broken Poet abortion of a relationship – I chose to take this as a serendipitous peace offering from the universe.

After all, I didn’t die.

Kiss My Ass-trology

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