I’ve been on text-mute with a few friends today.  Not too alarming for two of them, but The Silver Fox rounds out the trio and that guy texts like the lovechild of a 14 year old girl and Pavlov’s dog.

Naturally, I assumed I was dead.  It was the only logical explanation.

And what a place my purgatory is…somewhere I can text all of the people I care about and then never get a response.  Yikes.

My mind being the wonderful place it is, I just let that theory amuse me while I went a bought a lottery ticket and got coffee.

Alone again, naturally.

So, if I was dead, here’s a few scenarios that would support that I was living a day in the afterlife.

Heaven:

My new job.  I love it, lumps and all.  My boss described it to me as Retail Heaven.  True story.  I have a three day weekend for Thanksgiving, I’m off Thursday – even though the airport is open and I have staff working – Friday and Saturday.  I go back to work Sunday.  NBD.

Myrtle has been super sweet and cuddly since I returned from conference.  No blood has been spilled.

I was walking through the park this morning and not one, but two people gave me a little cruise.  The first from the path on the other side of the park, so I assumed he had poor vision.  But the second walked right by me and gave me a cute lil wink as he passed.

Obviously, dead.

I had Chipotle for dinner last night and woke up feeling skinny.

I checked my PO Box on my little morning walkabout, it had been two weeks.  No bills.

Hell:

My new job got some props here, too.  But it just really ended up reinforcing how awesome my new gig actually is.  You all know – if you know me – how much I love people who just drift a-directionally as they move.  Now, picture people in an airport.  None of those fuckers know where the hell they are going.  I do, obviously.  I also have perfect situational awareness, so I’m moving urgently through my route from store to store, concourse to concourse, and I have these people cum icebergs drifting along my path without a damn care in the world.  Normally, that would annoy the hell out of me, but not in this instance.  I just pump the brakes, mentally tapping my foot until they drift clear of my path, unless they are one of those stationary icebergs, standing still in the middle of a walkway with their bags strewn all around their ankles and the steel plate in their forehead pulled forcefully down toward their clearly magnetized phone.

A third guy checked me out as I passed my gym on my way to get coffee.  He was heading in and I could tell he wanted to chat me up by the way his mouth curled up at the corners and how he tracked me as I walked away from him.  Why would this be hell?  It was The Biscuit.

For all the bitching I do at The Fox about how he prioritizes his phone over the people in his immediate audience, he finally was able to resist the urge to check or respond to his phone notifications for several hours this morning.  AKA:  he was ignoring my texts.  Mine!

The nerve.

So, I guess that I survived.

Maybe it was just a coma.

I’m off mute now, at any rate.

Which reminds me, I owe my mom a phone call…my phone actually died yesterday while I was talking to her.  Karma taught me a little lesson in what that feels like this morning.

Anyway, as I think back on my morning derp thoughts, I realize that many of them overlap.  Just goes to show that perspective is a good thing.  With the right point of view and attitude, you can make anything you want of a situation, good or bad.  While I champion my Early Onset Grumpiness, I definitely want to enjoy that facet of my personality and not become one of those actual grumpy old men who are seemingly happy being unhappy.