Well, it’s happened…my odometer has rolled over. Today is the start of my sixth decade of good fortune and ridiculousness that I’ve trademarked as my life.
While I don’t know what my fifties will bring to me, I spent last year course correcting myself after reflecting back on my first five decades during the timeframe between the holiday and my birthday. Realizing I’d spent too much time investing in things I can lose – job, relationships and wealth – with little control at the end of the day, I committed to spending the year brushing up my favorite human.
Or, who I realized should have been my favorite human and really wasn’t.
I don’t want to dwell on the pursuit/reward cycle I’d caught myself in, unawares. I wasn’t happy to call myself on being trapped in that unfulfillingso-called lifecycle. I can acknowledge that I slipped innocently enough into it, having ended a relationship, slogged through career transitions, physical injuries and retethered my base of operations back in my fabulous hometown of Portland, OR over the prior five years.
But it was time to get back to a life lived with a more massive modicum of intent.
Resetting lifestyle and fitness expectations from the far outdated ideals, habits and even rituals of my renegade bachelor 30s and 40s and find an equanimity with those expectations that would provide me emotional and physical stability in this late-middling part of my life.
I’d reached late December feeling accomplished, having deconstructed a lot of the fitness patterns that led to repetitive injuries. How boring those quickly become. Having healed up and sustained, I had found a fairly functional regimen that was private, not going to the gym was providing a sense of accomplishment vis-a-vis home workouts and stair running.
Diet was a part of that accomplishment, plenty of treat-eating and reasonably balanced meals of salads, grains and protein. Nowhere perfect or sufficiently sustained to declare victory, but definitely a good tragectory.
I should have known that the ingrown toenail I complained about at the start of the year was just a harbinger of obstacles to come.
I awoke one day after that had cleared itself with a tender and throbbing big toe. Walking was a less than graceful exercise in ambulatory necessity.
I assumed I had kicked my table the prior night on a hazy trip to the head. I’m not quite familiar enough with my new digs to make my usual nightly zombie bathroom walk without running into something.
Getting through my 6-8 miles of daily walking at work was struggle enough, stairs were out. At least for the week.
This past and final week started with me uneating at 4 am on my way to the MAX stop on my way to work. Barfing on the streets of Old Town very early on a Sunday morning – or very late on a Saturday night – like a drunk white girl. How humiliating.
Plus, I missed a day of work.
Two days of eating anything other than crackers and soda water basically had emotionally landed me here
Of course, I mention it to my substitute needle man that week.
The disturbance in my gut.
My idiomatic toe injury.
Of course, I’m typical, snarky Xtopher when I tell her.
“I dunno. I’ve got, like gout or something.”
“That does look a bit like gout, you should talk to your PCP about it”, she says, all too chipperly.
I miss my regular Needle Man.
I email my PCP when I get out of the office and he replies with the doctor-equivalent of, “Nah”. You could probably interpret a fairly accurate amount of disdain for eastern medicine in his reply, but at least it’s back to being just another unconfirmed trauma in my life.
Plus, a couple days later and acupuncture has done its hoodoo magic and I’m back to 85-90% big toe function.
But I’m not self-soothing with junk food and booze like I had previously when injured. That’s a good outcome for a year of inwardly focused intentions. My injured physical self wasn’t adversely affecting my mental self.
I was just injured, not physically depressed, and that injury wasn’t bleeding into my mental state.
I’m still about 10 lbs heavier than I want to be, but it’s no longer driving me to punish myself. And during the last couple of physically busted up weeks, I’ve legitimately held steady at the same weight.
That’s actually a fine place to set off on this fresh year and decade.
Who really saw that coming?
Fitfy: “Cheers, bitches.” <dumbbell drop>
One thought on “Fitfy: fin”
The key word in this piece is “intent.” Art and life are all about intent, not outcome. Swing for the fence, take what the bat and ball give you and run your ass off.
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