I am simply a fool.
An idiot, I tell you.
Not that you don’t believe me, but let me explain anyway.
I’ve always had this little niggling notion that I wasn’t as brilliant as people will allow me to let myself believe. However, it came into sharp contrast last night, shortly after encountering this while visiting my parents for the holidays.
My parents’ neighbor’s house is quasi infested with these little buggers and apparently, mom and dad get random visitors when one wants to get away from the hive for a bit.
Or is suicidal.
Kidding, mom and dad gently move them to the patio.
Mom saw this picture after I posted it to the Instagram and Facebook last night and responded in two perfectly mom-ish ways within the same breath:
1) The regular mom way: she told me there were spare toothbrushes in my bathroom drawer. This actually made me reminiscent of the “good old days” when I had game and hope, and kept a few spare toothbrushes in my bathroom cabinet for spontaneous overnight guests.
2) The my mom way: she feigned a reasonably decent indignant tone while both chastising me and chuckling about the ridiculousness level of the situation.
Neither of those reasons are why I’m an idiot and a fool.
Here’s the two pieces of evidence for that argument that hit me as I responded to comments on that pic:
1) In case it’s not obvious, I am using my Dopp kit as a toothbrush holder, because laying your toothbrush on the countertop is gross, right? Well, in the background, you can see a seashell resting inside-up…on top of a toothbrush holder. That originally escaped my notice, hence my MacGyver Dopp kit version.
2) When mom offered me a fresh brush, I initially rejected the idea, thinking that I’ve got three. I’ll just rinse the one I brought real good and make do til I get home. I brush my teeth in the shower in the morning. It’s a habit I picked up watching My Tutor back in the…early 80s. JFC that makes me feel old. Anyway, Olivia Newton John tutors Matt Lattanzi – who later became Mister Olivia Newton John – in this show. During it, young impressionable gay me was struck by a scene where one of Matt’s (very lucky) friends was standing outside his shower talking to him while he got cleaned up after a long day of tutoring – I am fuzzy on the precise plot – and Matt’s brushing his teeth in the shower. When I became an independent adult, I adopted the same habit and via the transitive property, became as hot as Matt Lattanzi.
I also have both a medium and firm bristled toothbrush on my bathroom counter to use at night – or as the mood strikes – depending on how my mouth feels.
This is the meat of #2 and what occurred to me while mom was enjoying pretending to not enjoy the shituation at hand:
When guys come over to my house – where I live alone – they see two toothbrushes on my vanity. I’m sure the first thought they have typically hasn’t been, “Yeah, this guy’s a weird duck…I’m sure he has another one in the shower, too!”
No, I am totally willing to believe that the first thought is that I’m lying to them about being single and a lying, cheating bastard of a boyfriend.
Told ya…I’m simply a fool.
And that’s another one of the myriad reasons I’m single.