The Stoner Cafe

Longtime readers will recognize the name of this entry as what I named the vending machines in the basement of what my friend D-Slice called The Adult Dorm. We were neighbors there when I lived in Seattle.

The vending machines were on the basement level for five or so years after the building went condo. Maybe this was a construction leftover. However, since this was also the laundry level from when the building was apartments, something tells me they had been there quite some time before the construction guys arrived to rehab the building.

Also, there were Zagnuts in it.

Eventually, the machines were removed. This was actually a fairly sad realization for many residents, I learned. I had thought I was the only loser that frequented them, reinventing the walk of shame as I took my 14 floor elevator ride with a handful of change.

At least it was usually well after most of the residents’ bedtime, so I was usually able to do so undetected.

This nostalgia is top of mind again for me recently. Not because I sit around thinking about my glory days, no. Rather, because I have seemingly found a way to reinvent this phenomenon…if a vending machine can be considered a phenomenon.

Call it The Stoner Cafe 2.0.

Check that homepage out!

An aptly named app for my nostalgia, to be sure. The Stoner Cafe and this GoPuff app both wink at the reputation marijuana has for inciting the munchies.

Now, I’m not a big user when it comes to pot. Tried it in college, didn’t see the point. Tried it again when I moved from Seattle back to Portland, frankly, I’ve found that I can take it or leave it.

As I continue to struggle with an IPA induced increasing waistline, I wish I could actually “take it” – shut up, Diezel – in order to replace my beer penchant with zero calorie pot in order to unwind.

Alas…

The last time I used any marijuana product was 2016, and that was CBD derivative edibles rather than the THC counterparts. The THC being the intoxicating component of weed.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t get my own form of the munchies. Usually, this is my brain struggling to stave off boredom, versus any legitimate hunger. My mom pointed out this habit of mine to eat when I’m bored back before I even hit a double digit age. So it’s been around a while.

Knowing that about myself, I usually try to apply some discipline – believe it, or more likely, not – when purchasing junk food. I might pick up corn chips if I can fool myself into thinking I’ll make a nacho. If I go to the Costco, I’ll buy a big bag of snackage…because who can resist a good deal?!? Otherwise, I try to make my junk food consumption inconvenient so that I have to really want it.

Ergo, I’ll make myself get up and go to the store.

But a few months ago – maybe around Halloween – I discovered GoPuff. Seriously, did you see that pic of the homepage of the app? It’s like a convenience store on my phone.

I’d seen ads for this app while playing Words With Friends. I didn’t think too much of it at first, just a nuisance to be endured like all the other ads we put up with in our online lives.

Then one night, I was up…couldn’t sleep. There was no food in the house. Not even cheese, which usually goes a long way with me as a snack.

Or a meal.

I was trying to be good and hadn’t ordered a pizza or used Postmates to get some Thai delivered. I thought that if I could just make it past the restaurant’s closing time, I’d be out of danger.

My brain had other OCD thoughts in mind though. Once 11 PM hit, my cravings ramped up. Significantly.

Fine.

Amazon Prime to the rescue.

Nope. My earliest delivery option was the next morning.

Then I remembered…GoPuff.

Problem solved!

Salt & Vinegar chips. Check.

Pringles. Check.

Ice Cream. Check!

Monster for the morning? Check. Times two.

Frozen Pizza. Why not?

Oh, I can order beer and wine on this app, too? Don’t mind if I do!

Unlike Amazon Prime, there’s no extra charge for ASAP delivery. Again, consider the target audience. That means that I didn’t have to wait two hours for delivery.

On top of that, the prices are pretty solid. Somewhere between grocery store and convenience store. I didn’t have to feel guilty over anything but what was in my cart because I wasn’t overpaying.

This is on my mind today, of course, since I’ve been procrastinating a post-holiday diet. My white elephant gift was labeled

To: Fatty

From: Santa Claus

So, yeah…that’s great. It was also a Nutri Bullet blender and my sister helpfully pointed out that they juice great. What is that, a hint? Luckily, I’m meaner to myself than any helpful life tip could ever be.

I just needed to get to a point where I could do some self-care without any temptations. Er, distractions. I thought that would be last week, but then the Silver Fox suggested a Golden Globe viewing party and offered up three bottles of wine.

“It’s a long show!” he offered when I countered with two bottles. Fair point.

So, Monday, then!

Then I get a text from my ex, Rib. He’s got a 30 hour layover on Tuesday and we should hang out.

Yes. We definitely should hang out!

So…Wednesday?

Well, if I’m gonna shut The Fox’s drinking buddy down for the better part of a week…we should have a last hurrah day.

Thursday, it is!

I’m sitting here, writing this and eating the leftovers of my Pringles as a text lands from The Fox

BL at 3:30?

BL being Big Legrowlski…where our favorite beer, Pallet Jack from Barley Brown’s, is back on tap.

Junk food successfully consumed, a Pallet Jack send off, now I’m ready.

The Stoner Cafe

11 thoughts on “The Stoner Cafe

  1. So that pushes the diet back to what?…Friday? But wait, that can’t be! Friday is the start of another weekend! And on and on and on it goes. Subtle hint: ever read the book, *How To Say No?* Love ya man but at this rate, the Naked hugs I give will need an extension! 🙂 Naked hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha. That made me chuckle!
      At a bar.
      Luckily, Thursday is my firm start day. Also, being the grumpy that I am, it’s been a long time since I’ve succumbed to the weekend pull of crowded bars. I got this! 🤞🏽

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think we have anything akin to this app where I live, but I’m envious! My husband and I were just lamenting the other day that it’s so stupid that alcohol delivery isn’t legal where we live. I’ve used a grocery delivery service once, a week after giving birth when I was recovered from surgery and couldn’t drive, and it was very expensive. On second thought, it’s probably a good thing that I don’t have access to an app like the one you described – I could demolish some Halo Top and Chardonnay!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel so exuberant *and* dirty when I use this app. It’s absolutely too convenient!
      You know what I did wrong by posting this the day before my little diet starts? I forgot that all of my blog buddies are gonna comment…and that we’d be talking about snacks, snacks, snacks! 😂
      I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Feel the pain of high protein shakes. Vegan, I might add, because I can’t do chemistry set sweeteners. So Stevia or whatever. I buy pringles in the 12 pack of ntiny buckets. That’s a serving? But the guilt of seeing exactly what 100 calories I WON’T burn at 9 PM looks like, I feel the pain return and listen to my stomach and my guilt argue with that part of my brain that craves salt and fat and carbs and pass out while they duke it out until I feel thepain again mid morning when I hear the devil disguised as chocolate chalk call. Healthy eating. Bummmmmm -MER.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can exercise for an hour – even two! – a day. I *don’t*, but I *could*…I think that entitles me to spend the other 22 or 23 hours of the day eating, and eating whatever I want.
      Why isn’t that how it works?!?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I dunno. Like constantly being reminded the best cheeseburger around will sit in your colon for two weeks so you drive by and whimper and eat turkey or chicken or, or…drink the chocolate chalk water!

        Liked by 1 person

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