Today I Learned #13

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Flashback Edition

Since I’m procrastinating finishing up a draft or two during my Publish Every Day January initiative, and just killing time before an interview…here’s some food for thought. More like food for grossing you out, but I’m not here to add idioms to our lexicon.

Oh, wait…Chrisisms.

But this isn’t that type of thing.

When I was in college, I guess I learned some things. However, 25 years later, what do I remember? I studied history, yet every time the Silver Fox starts a story with, “You were a History Major…” my mind utterly blanks.

Here’s what I remember from college:

1) 1066. That was the year of the last Norman invasion of England.

2) How to ride a motorcycle. Or, not. Let’s say that I learned that it was not a skill I naturally possessed.

3) Household toilets have a 6 foot spray radius.

Those last two things were both courtesy of one of my college roommates, Cindy.

She was pretty tough. A compact and stout girl a couple years older than me, but that didn’t stop me from calling her Cynthia just to annoy her. Come to think of it, the number of times she put me on the floor for being a wiseacre might have something to do with why I remember so little of what I learned in college.

Also, alcohol.

Anyway, yeah…just remember, water droplets are dispersed into the air every time you do this

without closing your toilet lid.

Cindy was a design major, so she shared this with me when she was studying bathrooms. Ever since, I’ve accepted that I’ve been brushing my teeth with poop in most of the places I’ve lived.

But, you know how I am…my mind doesn’t stop there.

I’m also aware that I store my towels and spare crapping paper on the shelves over my toilet. Even if I closed the lid every time I used the bathroom (I don’t) there’s no way that my guests will.

Basically, I just live with the knowledge that every time I bathe, I’m massaging poo splatter all over my clean body and whenever I use TP to blow my nose, I’m shoving shit into my nostrils.

Probably explains why my nose hair grows so well…fertilizer.

Today I Learned #13

14 thoughts on “Today I Learned #13”

  1. Our olfactory sense works on minute (or not) amounts of physical material to process deferentiation between say, cat pee and cold Peet’s Major Dickason’s Blend. Barely, and not without visual cues like wife’s coffee cup nearby. And about that poo? Pack that airport restroom floater into your nose and give it some deep thought.

    Where did you think those nutsack splashes went if you stood up first?

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  3. I don’t know how you manage to be so on point. I have been sort of grossed out by something and it is directly related to the spray you reference. Okay, so I thought it would be cool to have a bidet – a Tushy. You can also use it to warm your butt, or at least not freeze your butt off when you sit down to poo in the middle of winter. AT first I thought it was hilarious and cool. Hilarious because if you have a friend over and all of a sudden you hear a shriek from the bathroom, you know they’ve been playing with the bidet. The first jet of water makes everyone vocalize in some way or another. And it’s funny. I only learned about the issue with “spray” recently and now I basically know that I am getting a melting poo pot shower every time I use the bidet. There is splatter all over the place. But I wanted a Tushy for so long that I can’t decide whether to go into denial and just keep swimming or whether to remove the apparatus. Since there is poo everywhere according to those studies that use fluorescent poop – then they turn on the black light and everyone gets the vapors and faints when they see how covered in shit their “clean” house actually is…. I think I’m keeping the Tushy. But, oy.

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    2. My first experience with a hotel in Italy. Some places, with room, have a bidet bowl and a regular bowl. I’v never been sure if that’s for the faint of heart or like a divided sink. A dump and scrub side and a rinse side…I thought about heated seats, but electricity and water.

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      1. My current toilet seat has a pressure activated filter and a light blue nightlight so you don’t have to turn on the overhead lights at night. I think it’s quite insane.

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  4. There was Japanese businessman. Head of a large company. The board of directors had heated toilet seats installed because someone read where icy cold toilet seats could trigger a heart attack. All I can think of is what if your butt was like the kid’s tongue stuck on the icy pole. I suppose the bidet concept could spary warm poo water to release your cheeks…I gotta stop now or I’ll start writing Billy Connally bathroom material.

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  5. He read wrong. Everyone has their Elvis-style heart attack on the crapper because of the vasalva, pushing thing or else it’s that you get all fight or flighty when you’re having an MI so you head to the John to evacuate and then croak. It’s a chicken/egg thing and I can’t remember which came first but a cold ass has nothing to do with it. It’s purely a comfort issue.

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