You’d think a little forced iSolation would be just the thing to keep an old grump like me happy. Or at least quiet.
But, no. Even in the end times, I can find something to kvetch about.
At least I had to put more effort into it this time than simply opening the Facebook like the last time I aired out a good ire here on WordPress.
This time, I had to go all the way to Gross Out to write off the chances for humanity.
Hey, I heard there was a wine sale.
I had to get up and go out, anyway. The Silver Fox had snuck back into town to clean out his remaining supplies and thought he’d forgotten a bag on the counter. Turns out, he’d forgotten to pack the bag, which gave us both a good chuckle.
He’d lured me out by innocently mentioning crackers – not knowing I’d been craving them. For my efforts, I Kramer-ed said crackers and tipped myself his pesto.
So, now in addition to wine, I needed some cheese. Don’t worry, mom…I was also out of broccoli and salad kits and had those on my list, too.
As if the disappointment of arriving and seeing no wine sale signs wasn’t enough, the other shoppers were apparently willing to bend over backward to drive my regret home.
It all started out so promising, too. They had set up a DeCon station outside for people to wipe down their carts before beginning. Even though there was a cute guy there doing just that, I grabbed my cart by the horns and went right in without lingering.
I think I already mentioned how easy it is to screw up DeCon, so I make my concessions for cleanliness and accept the risk of going out during a pandemic. Also, I made a mental note to observe this guy shopping. Sure enough, no gloves and no wipes inside.
But he put on a good show of Pandemic Correctness and was easy enough on the old peepers.
Aside from the DeCon set up outside, I was impressed that Gross Out was taking Social Distancing seriously and had laid down directional arrows to make aisles one-way. That effort reduced the amount of passing traffic in the aisles, making it easier to have a 6 foot space between shoppers.
Or should have.
Like, if they put some effort into their cluelessness, they could reach the level of disdain I generally have for the garden variety stupid Americans our country churns out…folks who aren’t really dumb, just oblivious.
As I’ve observed on many occasions in the past, though,
There is no bar so low that an American can’t climb under it.
That needs to be on the Statue of Liberty. New Colossus can find a new home.
New Colossus can stay, but I should at least get billboards for my slogan.
Or needlepoint pillows…
Anyway, the jokers I was shopping with were ignorantly pointing their carts whichever direction they pleased, arrows be damned. Then they were standing around talking.
With the people in their shopping group. I looked at them like, “Can’t you talk in the car on the way home?” Or at least talk and walk?
For the solo shoppers randomly careening through the market, I considered offering them the opportunity to lick me in order to truly avail themselves to my available germs, but decided against it.
I did allow myself a couple opportunities to glare at oncoming shoppers and then look pointedly at the nearest floor arrow before getting out of the way of some of my fellow shoppers.
That’s when it hit me.
These people oblivious to the establishment’s efforts to protect their customers (from themselves, as it turns out) were the same customers that were wearing gloves and masks. I even saw one person wearing protective goggles.
I knew goggle-guy was just a stupid American and not a weird Portland denizen because they weren’t ski goggles.
Surely, these numbskulls weren’t all symptomatic and venturing out. No, they knew. Like some kind of Hillbilly Scout Troop had taught them to prepare for people dumber than themselves.
So, there I was, suddenly feeling vulnerable to all these people who protected themselves from others with the same uncommon sense as their own.
That’s when I thought a plague from a vengeful god wasn’t enough. We needed a flood.
These yahoos might be able to hoard handiwipes and masks, but let’s see how long their lawn chair flotilla protects them from raging floodwaters.
Actually, I’d probably be taking gulps – at least of wine – if a flood came. I bought enough groceries for 10 days – although I’m not sure how my wine stock will hold out – so I don’t have to venture back too soon. By the way, that’s about 10x what I normally buy when I go to the store…
I also bought myself a little dessert treat, since I’d been craving chocolate cake lately.
If I learned anything from Zombieland, it’s to enjoy the little pleasures – preferably one with a long shelf life. Sadly, the $5 bottle of wine I bought was one of the tastiest red blends I’ve had in a while…regretting not picking up a couple more.
And just to end on a fun note, here’s a little quarantine meme for yas.